there's a kind of person called a "bad person" and if we just kill all of those guys everything will be great

My surgeon came out and told my mom and brother on Tuesday that I’d be down and out for about two weeks. 

My brother: TWO WEEKS? Holy shit.

Surgeon: Well, consider this.  She and I just had a knife fight.  And I won.  Because she was asleep during it.  

My brother: Oh.  Yeah, okay, that’s fair.

Your surgeon sounds fucking hysterical.

Imagine if you had won though.

I made this post 6 years ago and it has 195 thousand notes, and this is my favorite response to it

first of all I don’t “waste” time on stupid things I spend time on stupid things there’s a difference

can your pathetic elon musk bird site do this?

hi I'm the new OSHA guy. it's my job to stand at the bottom of ladders and kick them down if somepony I don't like tries to climb them

oh bowl of plain white rice, please fix me